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No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
BEFORE YOU READ THIS BOOK
A Question
A cereal bowl gets thrown across the kitchen, splattering milk and Cheerios all over the wall.
The dog runs in from the backyard and has inexplicably been painted blue.
One of your kids threatens a younger sibling.
You get a call from the
principal’s office for the third time this month.
What do you do?
Before you answer, we want to ask you to completely forget about everything you know about discipline. Forget what you think the word means, and forget what you’ve heard about how parents should respond when kids do something they’re not supposed to.
Instead, ask yourself a question:
Are you open to at least thinking about a different
approach to discipline? One that helps you achieve your immediate goals of
getting your kids to do the right thing in the moment, as well as your longer-range
goals of helping them become good people who are happy, successful, kind, responsible,
and even self-disciplined?
If so, this book is for you.
Table of Content
Introduction: Relational,
Low-Drama Discipline: Encouraging Cooperation While Building a Child’s Brain
Chapter 1 ReTHINKING Discipline
Chapter 2 Your Brain on
Discipline
Chapter 3 From Tantrum to
Tranquility: Connection Is the Key
Chapter 4 No-Drama Connection in
Action
Chapter 5 1-2-3 Discipline:
Redirecting for Today, and for Tomorrow
Chapter 6 Addressing Behavior: As
Simple as R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T
Conclusion On Magic Wands, Being Human, Reconnection, and Change: Four Messages of Hope
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
DANIEL J. SIEGEL, M.D., is a physician; child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist; and clinical professor at the David Geffen UCLA School of Medicine. He has been responsible for the publication of dozens of books as an author, co-author, or editor, including authoring Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation, and The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. He is the executive director of the Mindsight Institute, an educational center for interpersonal neurobiology that combines the wide range of fields of science into one framework for understanding human development and the nature of well-being. He lectures throughout the world, online and in-person, for parents, professionals, and the public.
TINA PAYNE BRYSON, PH.D., is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of the bestselling The Whole-Brain Child, which has been translated into eighteen languages. She is a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist, the director of parenting for the Mindsight Institute, and the child development specialist at Saint Mark’s School in Altadena, California. She keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California and she live near Los Angeles with her husband and three children.
Eight basic principles that guide us:
1. Discipline is essential. We
believe that loving our kids and giving them what they need includes setting
clear and consistent boundaries and holding high expectations for them—all of
which helps them achieve success in relationships and other areas of their
lives.
2. Effective
discipline depends on a loving, respectful relationship between adult and
child. Discipline should never include threats or humiliation, cause physical
pain, scare children, or make them feel that the adult is the enemy. Discipline
should feel safe and loving to everyone involved.
3. The goal of discipline is to
teach. We use discipline moments to build skills so kids can handle themselves
better now and make better decisions in the future. There are usually better
ways to teach than giving immediate consequences. Instead of punishment, we
encourage cooperation from our kids by helping them think about their actions,
and by being creative and playful. We set limits by having a conversation to
help develop awareness and skills that lead to better behavior both today and tomorrow.
4. The first
step in discipline is to pay attention to kids’ emotions. When children
misbehave, it’s usually the result of not handling big feelings well and not
yet having the skills to make good choices. So being attentive to the emotional
experience behind the behavior is just as important as the behavior itself. In
fact, science shows that addressing kids’ emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to changing behavior over time, as well as developing
their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow
up.
5. When children are upset or
throwing a fit, that’s when they need us most.
We need to show them we are there for them, and that we’ll be there for them at
their absolute worst. This is how we build trust and a feeling of overall
safety.
6. Sometimes we need to wait
until children are ready to learn. If kids are upset or out of control, that’s
the worst time to try to teach them. Those big emotions are evidence that our
children need us. Our first job is to help them calm
down, so they can regain control and handle themselves well.
7. The way we help them be ready
to learn is to connect with them. Before we redirect their behavior, we connect
and comfort. Just like we soothe them when they are physically hurt, we do the same
when they’re emotionally upset. We do this by validating their feelings and by
giving them lots of nurturing empathy. Before we teach, we connect.
8. After connecting, we redirect. Once they’ve felt that connection with us, kids will be more ready to learn, so we can effectively redirect them and talk with them about their behavior. What do we hope to accomplish when we redirect and set limits? We want our kids to gain insight into themselves, empathy for others, and the ability to make things right when they make mistakes.
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